I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sobbing to NWA
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
