Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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