I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
