I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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