my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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