New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
