you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
