I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
