it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We are all done wearing pants today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
