I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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