DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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