I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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