He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
