Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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