this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
