batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
