Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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