What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
