I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
