I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
