Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
