I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
