He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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