Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize