if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
