Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
