I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
