the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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