I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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