Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
