Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
