a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
