You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
