Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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