I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Someone shattered a urinal.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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