ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
