Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
