Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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