Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
being pregnant is like rehab
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
