I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
