it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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