Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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