wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm too high and old for this...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
