He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
