Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize