Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
