Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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