i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
