your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize