Whod you bang
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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