Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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