now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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