It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize