oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize