I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
