Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
