omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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