dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
