Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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