My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
