i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
