i jhust puked up my retainher.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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