I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
