I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
