So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
