I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
