obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
