I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
How's work?
Spinning.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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