did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize